Thanksgiving

It is hard for me to feel thankful when I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart. When I once thought my life was very full it now feels very empty. I approached this holiday thinking that I had nothing to celebrate. Nothing to be happy about. Nothing to be grateful for.

Mark's and my five year wedding anniversary had been November 10. Neither of us felt like celebrating. It did remind me, though, that I am very grateful for Mark. I used to feel very confidant in my opinions, beliefs and expectations about life and relationships. Since losing Sam I don't feel very confidant in much, but I do know that Mark is my companion for life. It is easy to uphold the vow "for better," but the marriage is truly tested when you experience the worse.

This is not just true of our marriage. We have realized that our support system extends much farther than we ever could have known. The outpouring of kindness extended from family and friends has left us often times speechless. The cards and messages, flowers, food, house cleaning, dog sitting, phone calls, care packages, and gifts have been astounding. Just like a marriage it is easy to be there offering support when times are good, but it is very hard to remain when things are difficult.

On Thanksgiving Mark and I stayed home and spent some time reflecting on what we are thankful for in our lives. All of the family and friends, some just acquaintances or people we have not spoken to in many years, have given us very needed strength in this impossible time. For that we are thankful.

I have never known pain and emptiness like what I have experienced since losing Sam. Yet even knowing this I would not erase the 40 weeks and 2 days that I had with him. I long for Sam every minute of every day and it does not get easier with time, but I am thankful for him.