Every time I remember or think of myself prior to Sam's death I am over come with grief. When I remember my wedding I feel sad. I think of bringing Joey or Oliver home as puppies and I feel sad. I remember evenings with Mark, full of laughter and jokes, and I feel sad. I think about cruising in our boat as the sun is setting and the sunburn is tingling my nose and I feel sad. Not just sad but overcome with grief. Tears soaking my face and I can barely breath kind of grief.
I think I am grieving me. I have realized that the happy, silly person I once was is gone. She died with Sam.
I think we all have a period in our lives where we don't really know loss, grief and death. I am an ICU nurse, so I have seen a lot of death. I have cried with many mothers, daughters, sons, husbands, and spouses. I have come home after a hard day and cried on Mark's shoulder thinking and worrying about these family members and how they are coping with their loved one's death. I have held the hand of a woman dying alone with no family at her bedside. I have lost grandparents and an uncle and grieved and helped my parents grieve. I wasn't oblivious to death but I didn't know death.
Parents are not supposed to out live their children. I was not supposed to out live Sam. Now I know death.
At some point everyone reading this will know death. Hopefully not for a very long time. And if you are lucky it will never be your child. A parent should never have to plan the funeral for and bury their child. When your child dies you lose a part of yourself. Call it innocence.
When I think back upon my childhood, wedding, holidays, and many other wonderful memories I feel sad because I know that happiness is different. The happy girl that I remember has no idea of the horror heading her way. I wish I could warn her.
Losing Sam doesn't mean that I will never be happy again. I have already laughed and smiled. I have been silly. I have laughed at jokes. I have laughed so hard at Joey and Oliver and their ridiculous playful behavior. The laughter is just different. I now understand how fragile these moments are.
I think in some ways this understanding will now allow you to live a deeper life, although I don't wish this understanding on you or anyone. Understanding how fragile these moments are perhaps makes you more appreciative of life's joys, more appreciative than many of us are capable of. Still, I find innocence to be so dear and I hate, hate, hate that you know this, now, so young. And I'm so sorry for that. I know time will never lessen the grief but I hope that, with time, you find more of your old self back, changed, yes, but much of the same, too. And not for anyone else or because of anyone else, but for you. Love you.
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